Night Stalker Do-Over

Closing time and I’m cleaning off the tables when I find a pile of cocktail napkins scrawled in rage soaked ink on one of the tables. The print starts out neat enough, almost like a bubbly love letter written in typical girly handwriting. But soon it decompensates into something rough that burrows through the layers of napkin, rips and tears at the dried tree pulp. I think back on who could have written it. What oddballs have been in the bar tonight? Next to the napkins there is an empty martini glass. It was an appletini, the cherry stem picked clean and left at the bottom. The only appletinis I’ve sold tonight went to a pudgy blue eyed blond with freckles on her nose. I try to reconcile the perky twenty something with the perfect nails and perfect hair and three hundred dollar purse on her arm with the words before me but I just can’t. And as I read through them the goose bumps on my arms don’t know whether to freak out and call the cops or cheer.

Dearest Richard,

I have dreamed of you for so long. Crazy intense dreams! All the stuff I want to do to you AAAAAhhhhh just thinking about it I can barely contain myself!

Those Mick Jagger cheekbones ooooh yeah, best handlebars I’ve ever seen! You wouldn’t mind if my acrylics dug into them a little would you? I need something substantial to sink them into, something to give me extra leverage when I plunge my favorite strap on up your ass. Oh and those lips! Those lips! They’re so pretty! And they are going to look fanfuckingtastic wrapped around that big fat dildo of mine. You’ll make sure to lick it nice and clean for me won’t you? But fuck my luck it is too late. Your dumb ass went and died before I got my chance. Death at my hands would have been so much sweeter babe! Why didn’t you wait for me? Natural causes, are you kidding me? Surely the pool stick I had set aside to finish you off with would have been way more fun than the infected anal fissure you really died from. Fuck those prison guards for not saving me a piece. And I had such a great recipe for roasted dick I was going to feed you beforehand! Best. Last. Meal. Ever.

R.I.P. Richard Ramirez. Rest In hell Puto.

In honor of the Night Stalker, tonight I change my tactics. Tonight I stalk the innocent.

Maybe it’s not fair to them. But it wasn’t fair to your victims either Richard. And it is time the tables are turned anyway right? That part is only fair. Don’t worry babe, I won’t tarnish your legacy. If anything I will outshine it.

Love Always,


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